Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
2023 was just a warmup