Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*