Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

me refusing to leave twitter