Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
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*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I鈥檓 so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet鈥檚*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I don鈥檛 want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me- Tonight鈥檚 menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”