Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

bags with threatening auras

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

No laws when master is gone

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.