Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams