Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”