Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Rt to bother an English speaker
Breaking news:
peep davidson
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…