Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.