Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Give a baker flours on your first date.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.