Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I like long walks away from everyone
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear