Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
