Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]