Good morning.
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Printer ink is expensive
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
i’m still crying at this
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Frankenstein?
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf