Good morning.
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around