Good morning.
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
🙅🏻
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*