Good morning ☺️
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Voting for coroner
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.