Good morning ☺️
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My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats