Good morning ☺️
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I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.