Good morning ☺️
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back