Good morning ☺️
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If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.