Good morning ☺️
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*