Good morning
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me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Chicken bread
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.