Good morning.
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.