Good morning.
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.