Good morning
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes