Good morning
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother