Good Morning.
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?