Good Morning.
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?