Good Morning.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it