Good Morning.
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
This might be the funniest tweet ever
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.