good morning
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.