good morning
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.