Good morning!
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel