Good morning!
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.