good morning
You Might Also Like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
don’t we all
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day