good morning
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.