Good morning.
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.