Good morning.
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I disagree with my politics
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
smh