Good morning.
You Might Also Like
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Worth a try
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.