Good morning.
You Might Also Like
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
This week’s mood.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.