Good morning
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My plans: 2020:
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Breaking news:
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.