Good morning
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
shakira sharkira
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!