Good morning
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2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
some Old Testament wisdom
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*