Good morning
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Liquor Store Parking
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”