Good morning
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Always.
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes