Good morning
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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