Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
For when Tinder doesn’t work
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.