Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.