@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

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@AnOrangeSNES

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@psybermonkey

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”