Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”