Good morning all π have a good one ππ
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βdom or sub?β
subway but dominos isnβt bad on occasion
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldnβt bark at people either.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DONβT EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Some killjoy: βStop playing with your food!β
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we werenβt married, Iβd marry you based on these potatoes.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let βem shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like thatβs any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
Weβre a cover band
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.