Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

😭

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today