Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?