Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me