Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.