Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”