Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.