Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
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I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
In Canada they just call them geese
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.