Good morning all 馃憢 have a good one 馃檹馃憣
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’m a lot like a wild Pok茅mon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: what鈥檚 in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you鈥檇 like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I鈥檝e been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When someone backs into your dad鈥檚 car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don鈥檛 have to tell him about the the basketball, that鈥檚 a coincidents
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you鈥檙e a crack addict
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.