Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

…

iPhone X

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Overindulged this afternoon.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight