Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Phones down.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.