Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me, in DM rooms…
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.