Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.