Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
weird email i got today
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Hmmmmm
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.