Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Mad Max: Furry Road

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

😂

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

This poor dog

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?