Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
good morning
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart