Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
This probably isn’t good
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
No, I don’t think I will.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.