Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.