Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.