Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

don’t we all

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.