Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.