Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.