Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.