“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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Imma just leave this here…………
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My teenage children choosing violence
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble