Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

journal

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school