Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

twitter users today:

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?