Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

The Friday File.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”