Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.