Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?