Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts