Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
This is enough internet for the day.
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Human are so complicated
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.