Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena