good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Before & after 😅
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
i did the math
