good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Dune (2021)
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.