Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no