“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
man i love columbo
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.